What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:56
Put me off passion for life!!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
How do empaths destroy narcissists?
Im still living with it.
I will be 64.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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She found it foreign!.
But, we were locked up after school.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was scared of men, in general
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Would this be the day?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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I was seconnd youngest,
But it wasn’t much.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why do I feel worthless most of the time?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Comes on , in middle age.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We all went to grammer schools
He resisted the act ,that day.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
When she asked me how she looked .
It was going to be , some day.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I never cut or harmed myself..
This is soul school!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Who then, do I blame.?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I said to her
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So, i spoilt her more .
My life is so biszare .
Especially a lifetime of it.
I write beautiful poetry .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why did i forgive my father ?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And i lived it daily.
One cannot live in the past .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
What did i know ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As i do to all so called friends.?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Ive learnt so much.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I waited trembling.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My family never makes their pension either.
I was 9 years of age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He knew the spot.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was in good health!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She wouldn,t have been !
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was very sick at this time too.
So whats the point in blame.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I have no regrets .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I don,t even have a pension.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I think the readers, may guess!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
All the time i was locked up.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We were not on the streets..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She married twice! .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She loved him until the end.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers